Answer: Anything they want.
And one of the things the Phillies want is to take care of the Phillies nation, the people who count, you know - WE WHO HAVE CONTINUED TO HANG AROUND SINCE 1980. And one of the things management did was to send the World Series bling around Pennsylvania; that was very thoughtful and marvelous. Unfortunately, I did not find out when it was coming to Harrisburg (by train I think!) or somewhere else very near Carlisle, wasn’t that lazy of me? Yes. So money hasn’t been everything, right, the fans count for a lot! And let’s face it, we have had the most marvelous winter, sleeping regularly and willing to do chores, all of us, and looking so forward to spring, with Florida training and all of the glory that leads up to the Opening of the Season! That’s because none of us are cranky anymore. Talk about a lot of good dispositions breakin’ out! Phew! I guess. No longer shall we even think of booing Santa Claus or any other great guy! We’ve experienced The Great Win! We can relax because the Phils actually did it. And now we know the real truth. They can do it again and probably will. That’s what greatness is. That and trading Pat Burrell at last: the sum of all our hopes realized.
And what will the Phils be doing in these last few weeks before actual play begins? Workin’ on their nicknames, a precious activity. Akin to getting’ ready for; actually it’s not akin to getting’ ready for anything else because a nickname is bestowed upon you by your peers. Therefore you cannot do anything to get ready for it except to hope that you are good enough, true enough and smart enough so that your peers want to give you a nickname that characterizes the real you is so witty that you and everyone else loves it….
And who are we most curious about? Manager Charlie Manuel, but of course. He didn’t start being a genius this past season, Omigosh! No. He’s been the best for a very long time. And when did his greatness start to develop bigtime? When he went to Japan! And that’s where he got that nickname: Scoshi, pronounced Scoa-shee. It’s a Japanese word that means thin or little. Charlie was tall and not small but he was quite thin then. He batted like Joe DiMaggio and hit 189 homers in six seasons. He then returned to the US to direct the Cleveland Indians Minor League systems and worked his way UP, as Scott Kendrick put it. He also learned how to coach batting as a result of those experiences, and coached Manny Ramirez, who has seemed to retain Charlie’s advice. In the old days Charlie was 6 ft., 04, 200 lbs. Today he probably weighs a bit more, but the ‘scoshi’ – ironic truth about him – big guy small ego - lives.
RF Jayson Werth has realized that his teeth are ugly. He hasn’t seen all of Steve Buscemi’s movies over and over for nothing. That he realized this himself when the Phillies gave him his nickname tells the story. Fish! Fish??? Werth’s teeth are way too little. They do look like fish teeth. Actually the point is that his teeth look like bluefish teeth, and that’s a really bad look. Depending on your point of view. Bluefish swim into a bay, anywhere where there are some fish hanging out. They devour everything. And quickly! Nanosecond city. Ugly but mighty, that’s the watchword. And when you catch a bluefish you have to kill it, a fast blow to its head or it will bite you if it’s anywhere near anything of yours, like your toes.
Now Werth knows that he needs new teeth – the $25,000 veneers – the kind that cover-up whatever one has and give you big white new ones, according to Harold Golightly, Jimmy Rollins oral surgeon. But he also knows that if he does get veneers he will know longer have that great association with what he actually does in right field – you guessed it!– gobble up whatever comes there.S0 we realize and so does Werth that Blue might be as good a nickname as Fish if we really think about it…..The Phils calling Werth Fish might just think how unpejorative that is and think how wonderfully pejorative Blue might be. That they could change that in a blink, and they’d have it, and that would make Jayson, so very, very happy. Nicknames have to go deep, right?
And in Jimmy Rollins case, you will need an explanation at the very least. His nickname is DEWG. That stands for Delaware Water Gap. And that refers to the gap between his teeth, and since the Delaware River rises at the Water Gap on the border at the eastern central part of the state, the Phillies are kind enough to recognize Pennsylvania in lieu of California where Jimmy’s from in relation to Jimmy’s photogenic space.
And lest you think Jimmy does not view his gap seriously here is what he does: twice a year he flies out and spends half a day with the aforementioned oral surgeon Harold Golightly who measures how far his gap has narrowed – teeth grow together folks – and calibrates –just much he has to shave off each side to keep that gap 1/16” apart at the top and 3/16” at the bottom”. Dr. Golightly is very particular. And since Jimmy does not like to feel that kind of pain, and who does? He gets a nice chunk of local anesthesia and takes the day off. It’s not a cheap procedure, either. I think these little adjustments cost about $5,ooo a year. Phew! Whoever said glamour wasn’t expensive?
