CHAPTER ONEMy late husband Mr. Wrong frequently chastised me this way: ”You know Joan, what bothers me about you is that you’re so superficial”. “Yeah” I always answered, slowly. “ but that’s what people like about me.” How people look, dress and speak tells you so much about them.
I love baseball. Because it requires so much hand-eye coordination, endurance and skill. Because it’s not violent, well, hey, not on purpose! Because it defines our culture more fully than any other thing we do. Because I can watch so many good-looking and funny-looking men disporting themselves gracefully and disgracefully, humorously and horribly; many for money, and some for love, like the late, swell Phillies Coach John Vukovich.
But those players, commentators, managers and any other people in the game I shall write about have to have certain qualities:
1. They should be handsome in a manly fashion, no filled-out Boy Scouts. Handsome men inspire confidence. And desire!
2. They should be fit.
3. They should not be too tall. My father, the late, wonderful Dick Shryock was five feet ten, and that was perfect.
4. They should be well groomed. I loathe the unshaven look, or unwashed hair. They must have good haircuts.
5. They must dress well outside of their ballparks.
6. They should love animals.
7. They should be leaders of men.
8. They must honor the game in their behavior.
For those of you who have not read my short piece on last year’s playoffs I am including it here:
What Sages Have Said About the Game and its Participants in the Series We All Lived For (with a few emendations)Fran Lebowitz stated in
Cooks on Food, Eating, and Cooking that: ”Baseball is an important part of a balanced diet”.
When Willie Randolph put Cliff Floyd up, reflect on Dr. H. Chomet’s comments from his authoritative guide
The Influence of Music on Health and Life: “What a magnificent example of schmuckiness causing mental diseases! What an encouragement for managers! Schmuckiness is useful, too, for strengthening our imagination, reviving our sensitiveness and relieving fatigue”.
Lord Krishna spoke loftily in the
Bhagavad Gita about Scott Rolen’s reaction when Terry La Russa replaced him: “My third baseman who is free from enmity, well disposed towards all creatures, the same in pain and pleasure, patient of wrongs, and whose mind and heart are fixed on me alone, is dear unto me”.
St. Paul sketched Billy Wagner’s problem in Chapter 13 of his 1st Letter to the Corinthians: “Though he pitches with the arms of men and of angels and had not loyalty to the Phillies he is become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though he has a majestic fastball he threw sliders, gave up hits and home runs, he had not loyalty to the Phillies. And now abideth faith, hope, loyalty, these three; but the greatest of these is loyalty”.
In the
Tao The Ching, Lao-Tsu observed of A-Rod that: “If only he had the tiniest grain of hitting with r.i.s.p. he should walk in the Great Way, and his only fear would be to stray from it. The Great Way is very smooth and straight; and yet he prefers the devious path of striking out”.
Pious Job noted these flaws in the fielding skills of Brandon Inge, Fernando Rodney, Joel Zumaya et. alia: “They have thrown with vanity, and their feet hath hasted to deceit, let them be weighed in an even balance that God may know their integrity; their step hath turned out of the way and the ball flew after their eyes, let their offspring be rooted out”.
Herewith, Shelley’s ageless but poignant ode:
“I met a traveller from an antique land. Who said:
Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand inside a ruined stadium. Near them, in the snow,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lips and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and heart that fed;
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is
Leyland, King of Kings:
Look on my Works Ye Mighty, and Despair!”
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level snows stretch far away”.
CHAPTER TWOMy favorite baseball player is Mets Catcher Paul Lo Duca. He is outstandingly handsome! Omigosh! It’s about his cheekbones, his nose, his eyes, his mouth, his skin, his hair, his voice, pure Nooh Yawk. (He didn’t pick up any Arizona!) The moment he stops playing ball, he’s gotta leave for L.A. without passin’ GO. The Playoff facts said that his favorite actor was Robert De Niro. Well Mr. Lo Duca can take over from Mr. De Niro any time. Especially in the come hither or ‘Lie down I wanna talk to ya' department. Mr. Lo Duca embodies each of my biases, which is why he is my first choice.
1. He is handsome in a manly fashion and has always been so. Mr. Lo Duca was an unusually charming and intelligent looking baby. Phew! Here he is at twelve months:
And when he merely sits in the dugout at Shea the TV camera lingers on him as if he were the late Marilyn Monroe. Out of town cameramen do this too, fortunately. When he 's at bat, his black eyes sparkle malevolently. He 's up to no good. He’s gonna poke that ball where nobody is. And he plays few games where he does not get at least two hits. Which is why he owns race-horses and other men do not.
2. He has to be fit. Mr. Lo Duca has the correct chunky physique fitted into approximately 200 pounds that a catcher needs to do his work consistently. With the well developed thighs that block the plate from its seekers as well as errant pitches. And the strong right arm that nails fools tryin’ to steal second.
3. He should not be too tall. Is it just fate that Mr. Lo Duca has the same height as my late father? Squatting for hours is tough on anyone. But it must be more difficult for a tall catcher, which is why most are not. Despite the tough job demand, Mr. Lo Duca batted over 300 last year. I think height works for pitchers, otherwise, not.
4. He should be well groomed and have a good haircut. I have yet to see Mr. Lo Duca sporting anything but a crew cut, a hair style that might have been invented for him.
5. He should dress well outside of his ballpark. Mr. Lo Duca has not always been the inspiring dresser he is now, as one can see from this shot of him at his Senior Prom "After Party".
He now wears cream colored or white linen slacks or khakis with coffee bean or black cotton pique- weave polo shirts in the summer and coordinating cashmere cable knit sweaters tied over his shoulders. He loves small silk neck scarves tied casually, and boat shoes - no socks but of course! During fall and winter he likes flannels or khakis, and for dress, really flamboyant pin striped suits. One can only say, "be still my heart!"
6. He should love animals. The Playoff facts said that Mr. Lo Duca owns two Yorkshire terriers. What it didn’t say was how greatly Mr. Lo Duca’s experiments with his beloved Guinea Pigs Stella, Stanley and Blanche in middle school contributed to the outstanding blocking technique he has at the plate. Now Stella, not Stanley nor of course, Blanche, was the Alpha Pig. And when Stanley squealed "Stella!", as long as Mr. Lo Duca was feeding her the foods she loved which included linguine, mangoes, strawberries, red peppers, broccoli and celery, but not tomatoes, she was only interested in them, not Stanley. And she positioned her front legs and tucked her back legs underneath her in a way that prevented Stanley from coming close and also made noises that he did not care for. Mr. Lo Duca has been able to imitate the position(s) that she took with beneficial effects for all of the teams for whom he has played and to great effect for the Mets last season and so far this season.
7. He shall be a leader of men. A good leader sets a fine example. Mr. Lo Duca's modesty has converted me, even if he was preaching to the choir in my case. Consider this excerpt from his interview with reporter Ben Shpigel in the NewYork Times this past Friday June 1st regarding his batting average for May: .413 (33 for 80), the highest in baseball. "It's just one of those things where I've been seeing the ball well," he said. Right. My eyes are rolling heavenward. Pat Burrell sees the ball well. Bobby Abreu sees the ball well. What results do they get? Walks.
8. He should honor the game in his behavior. Mr. Lo Duca is the consummate player: focussed and intense. He does not smile often. There was that time after the sixth game against the Cardinals last year when he hit a single over second that scored two for the win. A beautiful blonde across the plate, threw her arms about him and kissed him. Those rhythmical chants of 'Lo,Lo,Lo,Lo Duca!" did not subside. He smiled. Last evening I happened to read the top of the page from which I had excerpted the above mentioned article. This one, by Richard Sandomir, mentioned that Mr. Lo Duca had teenage lovers and that his wife had filed for divorce last year.
I did find a picture of Mr. Lo Duca with a young looking girl:
Apparently the fact that he had not honored the game did not affect his behavior this year. He's playing better than ever and I'll bet, earning more money than ever! In our sports culture you are what you earn. And who gets the most money is the best! Down in the Delaware Valley where I live, Phillies starting pitcher Brett Myers beat up his wife in front of a number of witnesses last summer in Boston. Phillies management botched the entire incident by saying practically nothing. Fans screamed, threatened to cancel season tickets. Then they sent Myers away for two weeks, made him take counseling. His wife refused to pursue the complaint later in court. Right now he's getting $25 million and has taken on a new life as a closer. The best? We just don't know yet, do we??
